Fake Interviews with Real Celebrities

John Hoven, Governor of North Dakota

Mike Lehmann: Governor Hoven, thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.

John Hoven: It’s my pleasure. Anything to help out the young people of my state.

ML: So Governor, you’re the most important man in the 3rd smallest state in the Union. That must be a lot of pressure.

JH: Absolutely. Before I was governor, I could sleep for 12 to 14 hours a day. Now, if I want to get that, I have to take frequent cat naps in my office in the Capital in Grand Forks.

ML: The Capital building is in Bismarck, not Grand Forks.

JH: You’re right. What am I thinking of? What’s in Grand Forks?

ML: Absolutely nothing. Why don’t we move on to some other concerns of mine? You campaigned in 2000 saying that you were going to work to keep young educated people in the state of North Dakota. But to this point, you’ve done little to nothing to accomplish that task. What do…

JH: Whoa, hold on there Scooter. I’ve done plenty to keep young people in North Dakota. Remember the opening of that wooden stake plant a few months ago? That’s going to do wonders to keep the best of the best in this state.

ML: Don’t you understand that someone with a bachelors degree from NDSU in Mechanical Engineering or Pharmacy doesn’t want to work in a wooden stake plant in some small town in North Dakota?

JH: What do you mean?

ML: People with a higher education want to use that education in their job field. Why on earth would someone go through years of college and thousands of dollars to get a degree in, for example, aviation from UND only to wind up working at a used car lot in Lisbon? Don’t you understand that?

It was at this point that Governor Hoven went catatonic and started drooling on himself.

ML: Governor Hoven? Governor Hoven???

JH: Yes?

ML: What about the accusation that you’ve done little to keep educated young people in North Dakota?

JH: Well, recently we opened up a wooden stake plant which I think is going to keep thousands of college graduates in this state.

ML: But college graduates don’t want to work in a… Forget about it. What about future political plans? You seem to be a popular Governor. Why, I don’t know, but you seem to be popular in North Dakota. Would you like to run for higher office at some point?

JH: I have some big plans. Assuming I win the election this fall, and why wouldn’t I, I plan to run for Senate after my second term is up.

ML: Most likely you’d be up against either Byron Dorgan or Kent Conrad in that case. Who would you prefer to face in an election?

JH: Neither of them. I think I’d run against Senator Tom Daschle from South Dakota. That is if he’s still in office then, which he probably won’t be. But assuming he is, I’d run against him.

ML: But you’re from North Dakota. You can’t run in South Dakota.

JH: Well, Hillary Clinton isn’t from New York either, but she’s still their senator.

ML: Good point. Well, our time is almost up. Are there any final comments you’d like to make?

JH: I’d just like to say to all the young people out there that you can be anything you want to be in this state. And by anything I mean an employee in a wooden stake plant.

ML: Thank you Governor.

Britney Spears

Mike Lehmann: Hey Britney, how are you today?

Britney Spears: Just fine, thanks, but call me Brit.

ML: Okay, Brit. To start off, I just want to know, how do you do it all? Singing, dancing, acting, being adored by millions of fans, dozens of whom are old enough to vote, it can’t be easy.

BS: No, it isn’t easy. But I just make the most of it and have fun while I can. As for my fans, what can I say; I’d be nothing without them. They’re the best. Except for those middle aged men that send me pictures of themselves.

ML: Pictures?

BS: Yeah, a lot of men think I like to receive naked pictures of them. But to tell you the truth, I only enjoy about half of the pictures.

ML: That’s rather disturbing.

BS: Yeah.

ML: Let’s move on. A lot of people know you had cosmetic surgery on your chest…..

BS: No, I didn’t. Not unless you count the breast enlargements. Then, I guess I did.

ML: You perplex me with your insight. Why don’t we simplify things a bit and just talk about what you enjoy to do. What kind of music do you listen to in your free time?

BS: Well, I love real artists. There are a lot of phonies out there that continue to sell their garbage on the market. Like, I was listening to this music by some band named Bach (Editors Note: Ms. Spears pronounced it “Back”), it was nothing but background music, no one was singing for a while. Then, when someone did start singing it was in some crazy language like French or something. I like the great artists like “Milli Vanilli.” Those guys could sing. And have you seen how hot they are? I mean, I know they’re from like the 80’s or something, but they could sing and dance and they looked great doing it.

ML: You know “Milli Vanilli” didn’t actually sing their own songs they…… Never mind. What about movies? What’s your favorite?

BS: I love the classics like Dumb and Dumber. The way they come up with those great ideas when it seemed as though their journey was finished was simply amazing. I learned so much from that movie, and the best part is that it was based on a true story.

ML: True Story?

BS: Yeah, when I was on Saturday Night Live, Loren Michaels told me it was based on the experiences of Chris Farley and David Spade when they made Tommy Boy.

ML: But Tommy Boy was made after Dumb and Dumber.

BS: Oh….. well….. I don’t think someone from Canada would lie to me. Are you sure? I mean….. well….. maybe….. Did I mention that I like puppies?

ML: No, you hadn’t. But let’s talk about some other things. A lot of your fans want to know, what do you look for in a man?

BS: Well, I want someone that is smart, and funny, and rich, he has to be rich, and good looking. Great shoulders are important to me. I would prefer someone with a ***CENSORED BY MIKELEHMANN.COM***, but I’d settle for less if he has a lot of money.

ML: You know, except for the ***CENSORED***, you just described me.

BS: I did? Wow.

ML: Yeah. Maybe we could get together after this and get something to eat? What do you say?

BS: Yeah, I’d love to

ML: Excellent, a date with a beautiful celebrity. Well, seeing as how we have plans now, how about we end this interview now?

BS: Sounds good to me.

ML: Good. Well, do you want to say anything else before we end for the day?

BS: Yeah. I just want to tell all of the little girls out there that look up to me that if you work hard and keep your eyes focused on what’s important; you too can be like me. You can sing like me, you can make the kind of money I do, you can even wear the same clothes. Speaking of clothes, I want to talk about my new line of ….. (NOTE: It was at this point in the interview that Ms. Spears began to talk about her new line of clothing. She didn’t cease for 45 minutes.) And that’s about it. Oh yeah, and as some guy once said, “Feed a man a fish; he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish; he’ll eat for a day.”

ML: Thanks….. I think.