After reading an article on College Humor.com about tips for fat people, I’ve been inspired to write my own tips, not only to those of us that are members of the potent pound club, but to those that associate with us on a daily basis. I want to make one thing perfectly clear, I am fat. I am not portly, or big boned, or chubby, or tubby, or pleasantly plump, or large, or husky, or obese, or chunky, or any other “kind” term for a fat guy. I am fat. If you consider yourself one of the above terms other than fat, you are in denial. Face it, you are fat. Now that you are no longer in fatty denial, you can start to live with it. Tip one: this goes mostly for females, since I see few males doing this, DO NOT SHOW YOUR BELLY! I know that attractive women like to show off their bellies (and we like it when you do, frankly you good looking women should do it more often), but when you have a gut, keep it covered. Along these lines, if you are a fatty, don’t wear tight clothes. Just because you don’t like the fact that you are a 3X person, doesn’t mean everyone else needs to suffer because you want to be a 1X. They make bigger clothes for a reason, for us fat people to wear. I know they cost an extra $2 or $3 at Wal-Mart, but trust me, it’s worth it. Two: Try and avoid stairs. When climbing to the fourth floor of Minard Hall, uh, er, the fourth floor of some building, you will get winded. I know it’s sad, but that’s how it is. Wait for the elevator or if that isn’t an option, take frequent breaks on the way up. Stop on the second floor and get a drink. Stop on the third floor and use the bathroom. Then make your way up. Three: This is a little tip to all of the normal sized ladies out there; give us fat guys a chance. We don’t get much in the love department and if you are willing to put up with our less than ideal physical appearance, you will have the best relationship of your life. We are happy to get any attention from good looking women and in turn will treat you very well. If you want some guy that is full of himself and a jerk, fine. If you want something better, give me a call. (But you may want to wait a few weeks; I don’t have much money right now.) That’s pretty much all I have right now for us “yes I’d love fourths on the chili dogs” people. How about some advice for those of you that don’t sweat profusely on a 65 degree day?
First: For those of us that have accepted our enhanced state of weight, we are generally good humored about it. We’ll joke around with you once in a while, but don’t beat it to death. All that fat hasn’t plugged our tear ducts, we will cry. Along these lines, don’t make us run. If you aren’t man enough to make fun of us and stick around for the rebuttal, don’t make the comment in the first place. I know it’s funny to watch a fat guy running, but do you really want to be the one responsible for my heart attack at 23 years old? Second: Don’t laugh at us when we’re getting out of a car, especially a car that is very low to the ground. Try this, strap a 50 pound bag of potatoes to your belly and try and get out of a car. It’s not that easy now is it? Third: If someone in the room cuts the cheese, don’t blame it on the fat person. Just because we’re fat doesn’t mean that we fart uncontrollably. Normal sized people pass gas too, and it is just as bad as when a fat person lets one rip. Fourth: Contrary to popular opinion, the fat does not pool in the brain. We chunksters aren’t slow mentally, just slow physically. True, there are a lot of stupid fat people, but there are also a lot of stupid skinny people. Listen to our ideas first, and, if said idea is stupid, then ridicule us. Fifth: Don’t piss us off. It takes a lot of muscle to haul my blubber around all day and I can hurt you (if I can catch you). Sixth: Finally, don’t keep reminding us that we’re fat. We know, we see it every day in the mirror and we have to wash it every day in the shower. It’s like reminding a woman she’s tall. She knows, and she doesn’t need some dummy coming up to her saying “you’re tall.” Don’t come up to me and say “you’re fat.” I know I’m fat, and I may cry or I may punch you.
Fat people, skinny people, take heed to my words. Listen to my advice and we can all live in peace and happiness. You know that whole Cold War thing? It happened because Stalin called Truman “tubby.” Don’t believe me? Well, you shouldn’t because I just made it up. If the fat people of the world can follow my advice and the skinny people of the world can as well, we can live in a community of understanding and prosperity like no other time in history. Or maybe not...
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