I don’t claim that Fargo has the worst traffic in the world. Frankly, its nothing compared to other cities I’ve driven in such as Minneapolis, Houston or Kansas City. Or as bad Chicago or London, other cities whose traffic I’ve only seen. But the idiot factor of many drivers in Fargo has to be toward the top of the list. I drive to 8:00 am class on Tuesday and Thursday mornings through downtown Fargo. Even though the speed limit is 30, the fastest I usually eclipse is 25, not because traffic is heavy or the roads are icy, but because some inbred yokel and their cousin/sister/mother/mother-in-law is driving the same ungodly slow speed in the lane next to them. At this time, several four letter words that are common usage slip out of my mouth. Shortly after I called the person in front of me a c**k su*****g ass fu****g motherfu****g son of a c**t, I began to make up new swear words. What these words are, I forget, (I need to tape myself driving some day so I can remember them and send them in to UrbanDictionary.com) but believe me, they get the point across, at least to me. Most days I would rather deal with the heavy, horn honking intensive traffic that the people of Chicago deal with than the brain dead Helen Keller wannabes that drive around this town. Frankly, driving through Fargo in the morning is the only time I ever feel that abortion is a good thing… Did I just say that?
I have just this one question to ask, what the hell is so wrong with road rage? If I tailgate someone and they speed up, what is so damn wrong with that? If I shoot someone in the kneecap for driving 28 in a 30 mile per hour zone, why should I get into trouble? I propose this, anyone, at any time, who is going under the speed limit in fine weather conditions, receives a warning shot across the front of their car, much like getting the attention of a passing ship when they’re somewhere they shouldn’t be. If they realize they’re going too slowly and speed up, no further action is required. But if they fail to respond to your warning shot, open up on their ass. If you feel uncomfortable driving in the “big city” of Fargo, stay the hell out. It’s natural to be nervous when driving in an unfamiliar city, but that’s why you can turn around down the street instead of driving 8 miles an hour in honor of your favorite idiot NASCAR driver. Just remember, the gas is on the right.
So what would happen if all of the stupid drivers in Fargo were to suddenly disappear? For one, I’d be a happy man. Two, the police would have fewer accidents to attend to and thus could concentrate on preventing crime. No longer would they have to listen to the 80 year old widow complain about paying too much for her prescription for blood pressure medication after she slid into a telephone pole that just “popped up out of no where.” Three, well, I have no three, but any program that allows me to get to class a little less stressed is a program well worth investing in.